Disappearing?
Oct. 2nd, 2004 09:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wildcard_47I hate life right now. This has been the only Saturday in....three weeks where I have had a relatively static day. And I wasted it. I went to a guitar lesson, worked in the office, and came home to crap about school. I frittered away a precious day of free time, when I could have done any number of interesting things or treated myself to something relaxing. This is my single day of the weekend. Tomorrow, I won't even be home half of the day. It makes me angry, it makes me sad. I feel like I'm going to disappear, I'm so stretched thin. School, practice, homework, sleep. I feel like an animal, I only have basic needs to support before all of it becomes unimportant.
This is the most depressed I've been in a very long time. I can't even cry about it, or express anything I'm feeling. I feel shut down, foreign, invaded by any number of sad feelings. I don't know why. I'm just so tired of putting everything into school, an institution which I care so little about. I'm tired of putting so much into my running and feeling fatigued and burned-out in return. I want to reach my goals. I want to have time to myself. I'm tired of doing and saying things that my parents, teachers and friends want to hear. I just want to curl up in my bed and cry until there's nothing left. Except I can't, I won't, it's like I've forgotten how. Everything around me seems to be grey and melancholy. I wish it were raining. The sunshine seemed to spite me earlier.
I want to forget about everything placed on me. SATs, college, school, everything. I just want to get out of bed for one day and live. Right now, I'm barely functioning as a person. I hate this one-dimentional character that's playing me. I hate myself, fading away. I'm scared of everything, nothing. And it sucks. So, I'm just going to go wait until SNL comes on. Maybe it will cheer me up....
This is the most depressed I've been in a very long time. I can't even cry about it, or express anything I'm feeling. I feel shut down, foreign, invaded by any number of sad feelings. I don't know why. I'm just so tired of putting everything into school, an institution which I care so little about. I'm tired of putting so much into my running and feeling fatigued and burned-out in return. I want to reach my goals. I want to have time to myself. I'm tired of doing and saying things that my parents, teachers and friends want to hear. I just want to curl up in my bed and cry until there's nothing left. Except I can't, I won't, it's like I've forgotten how. Everything around me seems to be grey and melancholy. I wish it were raining. The sunshine seemed to spite me earlier.
I want to forget about everything placed on me. SATs, college, school, everything. I just want to get out of bed for one day and live. Right now, I'm barely functioning as a person. I hate this one-dimentional character that's playing me. I hate myself, fading away. I'm scared of everything, nothing. And it sucks. So, I'm just going to go wait until SNL comes on. Maybe it will cheer me up....
